After that day the pregnacy became really difficult emotionally. Matthew distanced himself from the baby which was hard on me. I just tried to stay functional for the older boys. I went off work pretty early so I could focus on taking care of myself and the boys.
After several fetal assessments everything with Charile was cleared and we were told we had a healthy baby boy in there. It was really hard to accept that he was healthy when his brother was dead and we had been told that he may not make it either. The rest of the pregnancy was spent on pins and needles. The midwife and OB I was seeing were fantastic and did their best to reassure me.
For a few ultrasounds the twin was still very visible and each time Charlie could be seen nuzzling his little head into the tiny face of Thomas. We have a few pictures of this and I cherish them. They are the only photos I will ever ever have of my sweet Thomas. As the pregnancy progressed and I had regular fetal assessment, the twin becasme smaller and smaller. He was growing into the placenta. I like to believe that he helped Charile to grow and stay healthy. The last fetal assessment I had at 38 weeks the nurse could not find any evidence of the twin. I was both happy and devestated.
I think the hardest part of the pregnancy once we got the news that Charlie would be OK was knowing I had a dead baby inside of me. I had a perfect living bay as well, but I had a dead child who I would never get to hold or burp or feed or change or love or get grumpy at or see play with the older kids. That aspect really did a number on my head.
I went into labour on January 12th at 10:30 pm. After 7 hours and the most amazing positive birth experience (which I will likey write out on here soon) my beautiful Charlie was born. For the first time in three births I got to hold my baby right away. And hold him I did! For three straight hours before anybody moved him off of me to weigh or clean or anything. That was the very best 3 hours of my life. Once Charlie was born my midwife started getting a bit antsy. My placenta was NOT coming out. this was especially a concern because in Bravos birth the membranes had grown into my c/s scar and the placenta didn't release that time, either. And the membranes in Bravo's birth required a lot of intervention to get them out.
Anyway. my midwife started saying to the nurse that if the placenta didn't come out soon then we would be consulting with the OB on call. And I really didn't want that. I wanted to keep holding Charlie and not have to go to the OR like last time. All of a sudden in my head flashed something from one of Ina May Gaskin's books. She has some good things to say, but mostly I think she's crazy. They are contractions, NOT rushes. And birth hurts even if you're not afraid of it. But whatever. I rememberd a story in one of her books where the placenta wasn't coming out. The mom was a single mom and wanted to stay pregnant. She was having a difficult trasition to motherhood. And Ina May asked her if there was anything she needed to let go of, anything that would be causing her body to retain the placenta. And I realized that I was holding on emotionally to the pregnancy. Becasue as soon as I was no longer pregnant, as soon as that placenta came out, Thomas was gone forever. Right then he was still safe inside, but when he came out that was it. So in my head I said good bye. I told my sweet baby that I loved him endlessly and that he would never be forgotten and I let go. Geeze. 8 months later I'm crying as I type this. As soon as I said goodbye the placenta came out perfectly intact. I know this makes me sound crazy, but there it is.
Before the birth I had spoken with my doula and my midwife and told them I wanted the placenta to stay in the room with me and when I was ready I wanted them to show me. I think it was about 2 hours after Charlie was born Matt sat by my head and I held sweet baby Charlie in my arms and the midwife brought the placenta over.
It was mostly just grown into the membranes. There was about a 2-ish inch curved baby-ish shape in a section of the otherwise thin normal membranes. It didn't look like much, and the MW said it quite possibly would have been overlooked if we didn't know what it was. It was wierd, knowing that it was almost a person and was instead a white 2 inch blob that grew into the membranes, But that inside of it there would have been the start of brains and a heart and lungs and all other people making stuff. I am really glad I looked at it. Seeing what was left of sweet Thomas did bring a bit of peace. I think I would be regretting it had I NOT looked.
So there's Thomas's birth and death. There's more to that birth and there's still more to Thomas' story. But I really didn't count on the emotional impact of writing this out. So that's enough today.
Tomorrow will be a happier post!
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