Do you ever hear yourself saying something and then question your own sanity as the words are coming out? And as the words escape your lips you think to yourself "what the heck am I saying???"?
I do. Regularly. Since becoming a mother I say really dumb things. Often.
Hear is this morning's breakfast conversation between Alpha, Bravo, and I. (Insert random dino roars from a 15 month old throughout the conversation.)
Alpha- "I turned you into a robot with my bagel remote control!"
Bravo- "No! No! I don't want to be a robot!"
"Alpha- "You are! I used my super bagel remote and turned you into a robot. Ha ha ha!!"
Bravo' "Moooom! (large tears streaming down his face at this point) Alpha turned me into a robot with his bagel remote".
Me- "Bravo, you are still a boy." "alpha, you need to ask permission before you use your bagel remote control to turn people into robots because you might hurt somebodies feelings."
What???
In no other time, place, or context would that even make a little bit of sense. I have lost my mind. It has been eaten by small people.
Friday 20 April 2012
Wednesday 11 April 2012
It broke.
My self protective mechanism broke. And I am both happy about this and deeply annoyed. Annoyed because the thing about self protective mechanisms is that they protect. And I need that.
As of tonight I realized how deeply and badly I want this baby that is growing rapidly inside of me.
I know that sounds dumb. Of COURSE I want my own baby. But I honestly thought that I didn't. For a really long time. I wanted Thomas back, not this "replacement baby". I mean, of course I wanted everything to be ok. I just didn't think I really wanted this child. And I was hoping that when it's born that the feeling would change.
And now I find myself here. Deeply in love with this little creature who is sticking its fist into my cervix and foot into my ribs at the same time. And deeply, badly, achingly wanting it.
And here's where the problem comes in. I'm TERRIFIED. what if Delta isn't ok? I know now all too well that it happens. That babies don't always make it. My heart is still so broken over Thomas. Things don't always go according to the "happily ever after" plan.
I went to the midwife last week and I was measuring 28 (at 30 weeks) which is the same as I was measuring at 28 weeks. So she had me come back yesterday. And I measured 27. So between 26 weeks and 31 weeks I went up 1. Likely it is because baby WAS head down and stretching up madly and is now sideways (allowing for the cervix punch rub kick ninja moves) so my uterus is being stretched more sideways and not up. But to be sure I'm off to fetal assessment next week.
I'm not REALLY worried. But this seems to have broken my mechanism. And I didn't realize the comfort that it was providing. Now I am left with sheer terror. Much less comforting.
So bring on the ninja moves, little baby. Because if you can make 4 spots hurt all at the same time chances are you are doing ok.
As of tonight I realized how deeply and badly I want this baby that is growing rapidly inside of me.
I know that sounds dumb. Of COURSE I want my own baby. But I honestly thought that I didn't. For a really long time. I wanted Thomas back, not this "replacement baby". I mean, of course I wanted everything to be ok. I just didn't think I really wanted this child. And I was hoping that when it's born that the feeling would change.
And now I find myself here. Deeply in love with this little creature who is sticking its fist into my cervix and foot into my ribs at the same time. And deeply, badly, achingly wanting it.
And here's where the problem comes in. I'm TERRIFIED. what if Delta isn't ok? I know now all too well that it happens. That babies don't always make it. My heart is still so broken over Thomas. Things don't always go according to the "happily ever after" plan.
I went to the midwife last week and I was measuring 28 (at 30 weeks) which is the same as I was measuring at 28 weeks. So she had me come back yesterday. And I measured 27. So between 26 weeks and 31 weeks I went up 1. Likely it is because baby WAS head down and stretching up madly and is now sideways (allowing for the cervix punch rub kick ninja moves) so my uterus is being stretched more sideways and not up. But to be sure I'm off to fetal assessment next week.
I'm not REALLY worried. But this seems to have broken my mechanism. And I didn't realize the comfort that it was providing. Now I am left with sheer terror. Much less comforting.
So bring on the ninja moves, little baby. Because if you can make 4 spots hurt all at the same time chances are you are doing ok.
Monday 9 April 2012
The un-expected side-effects of having a severely allergic child.
Obviously having bravo and his allergies in his life has changed me as a parent and as a person, in a lot of different ways. But I’ve noticed one change that I would never have thought about. And I’m not alone. Matt has the same problem now.
We cannot watch TV or see an add or go to a conference or see a new restruaunt without thinking of Bravo. And his inevitable death if he consumed whatever it is that is being promoted.
You know that stupid Philly Cream Cheese commercial? “spread a little love, today, spread a little happiness blah blah, something neener neener to remember” (I’m good at lyrics, can’t you tell?) wait… that’s the song. Not the commercial, but the real full song. And I just listened to it and I WOULD think it was a happy cute little song that I would add to my “bobby head music” playlist IF…..
if I didn’t think of stupid cream cheese every time and if in my head the words didn’t change to “spread a little death today, spread a little death to Bravo, make it a shitty day to remember”. But seriously, that’s what goes through my head. Every single time I see the commercial. Because yes, the food does look delicious. And I would LOVE to cook with cream cheese! But, and this is a big hhuge BUT, it would kill bravo. In about 12 seconds. So, um, they can keep their love.
I sit here at work and I just ate a cream egg (I keep hoping they’re going to be good like I remember from when I was a kid and then I just feel nauseated from far too much sugar in one mouthful. Which is saying something because I could eat a spoon of straight sugar and still think it’s not enough sugar) and as I bit into it and the gooey mess dripped down the side I thought “how many ingredients in this would kill Bravo?”. I can’t help it. It’s this automatic reaction I have.
Matt went to a conference the other week and there was the typical lunch buffet. He got to the first part with the fruit plate and the cheese platter and the meats and buns etc etc etc. And he made a random passing comment to his co-worker of “huh, Bravo wouldn’t be able to eat any of this” The co-worker, who knows all about bravo, asked why he couldn’t eat the fruit. Matt’s answer? “look at what you’re doing”. She had used the same pair of tongs from the cheese buns on the strawberries. Making the whole platter of fruit death-on-a-plate. A light went on int the coworkers head and she asked if there was ANYTHING that our boy would be able to eat. And the only thing there that would be safe would be a banana from the bruised basket of fruit at the end. Worst case is he would get a rash on his hand from cross contamination on the peel. He could eat the apple if he took it to the bathroom first and scrubbed it with soap. But anything else…. Nope. Milk, mayonnaise, cheese, soy, beans, nuts, peanuts, they lurk everywhere. They’re the buffet’s best friend. He would be able to do the plain salad if he talked to the hotel first and ensured proper preparation conditions and then he got to the salad before anybody else put dirty tongs into it. But that would be taking a big risk. Sad when eating lettuce could be the end of you. Or at least cause a lot of pain and drama and an ambulance bill.
I don’t like this change in me. I don’t like feeling bitter at all the yummy commercials. Campbell’s mushroom soup? Death. I hate food commercials.
I was watching some really crappy cooking show on Shaw TV or something lame like that and I watched the first 45 seconds. And in that 45 seconds they used 5 different ingredients that Bravo is allergic to. So I turned it off.
Every time I hear about something, like a family road trip, all that goes through my head is the logistics of that with a bravo-type kid. No starting the road trip with McDonalds drive through. Meals…. That terrifies me. The amount of research we would have to do first is insane. Where along the whole route could he eat? And where near that is the nearest emergency facility? How far is the longest stretch between hospitals that could care for a small child in anaphylactic shock? Divide the longest time by 15 minutes and that’s how many epi pens we would need to have on us. Is the break between hospitals 45 minutes? Then we need 3 epi pens at all times. Because if he somehow gets bad things into him, an epi pen may only last 15 minutes before he needs another shot or other emergent care.
I can’t go through normal life, seeing and hearing every day stories, without thinking of how scary this world is for a little tiny child with big huge allergies. And I worry for him when he is older if he doesn’t outgrow this. Band trips? Sport trips? Road trips with friends? TERRIFYING. And likely not possible.
I wish this wasn’t a constant presence in my head.
Or that at least the allergic community would start making and advertising affordable and safe foods for people with multiple food allergies.
And I also wish I lived in Montreal. For this one reason.
I would LOVE to take bravo out for supper.
A restaurant that bans all the major 8 food allergens. Amazing. That doesn’t count legumes aside from soy and peanuts, but I’m pretty sure they would take all precautions when informed. And they carry epi pens in case a diner has a reaction and doesn’t have their epi pen on them. That amazing!!
Maybe one day I’ll win a whack load of money and then get the people who made this restaurant to do a franchise in Winnipeg. If you do live in Montreal, you should go there and then tell me how it is. And if the food is good despite being made of all Bravo-friendly things.
Oh- My new answer to people when they find out about Bravo’s food allergies and then ask “so what DO you feed him?” It's “soylent green” And I’m delighted when I get the response back of “it’s people!” instead of the confused look I normally get.
What am I even talking about any more???
We cannot watch TV or see an add or go to a conference or see a new restruaunt without thinking of Bravo. And his inevitable death if he consumed whatever it is that is being promoted.
You know that stupid Philly Cream Cheese commercial? “spread a little love, today, spread a little happiness blah blah, something neener neener to remember” (I’m good at lyrics, can’t you tell?) wait… that’s the song. Not the commercial, but the real full song. And I just listened to it and I WOULD think it was a happy cute little song that I would add to my “bobby head music” playlist IF…..
if I didn’t think of stupid cream cheese every time and if in my head the words didn’t change to “spread a little death today, spread a little death to Bravo, make it a shitty day to remember”. But seriously, that’s what goes through my head. Every single time I see the commercial. Because yes, the food does look delicious. And I would LOVE to cook with cream cheese! But, and this is a big hhuge BUT, it would kill bravo. In about 12 seconds. So, um, they can keep their love.
I sit here at work and I just ate a cream egg (I keep hoping they’re going to be good like I remember from when I was a kid and then I just feel nauseated from far too much sugar in one mouthful. Which is saying something because I could eat a spoon of straight sugar and still think it’s not enough sugar) and as I bit into it and the gooey mess dripped down the side I thought “how many ingredients in this would kill Bravo?”. I can’t help it. It’s this automatic reaction I have.
Matt went to a conference the other week and there was the typical lunch buffet. He got to the first part with the fruit plate and the cheese platter and the meats and buns etc etc etc. And he made a random passing comment to his co-worker of “huh, Bravo wouldn’t be able to eat any of this” The co-worker, who knows all about bravo, asked why he couldn’t eat the fruit. Matt’s answer? “look at what you’re doing”. She had used the same pair of tongs from the cheese buns on the strawberries. Making the whole platter of fruit death-on-a-plate. A light went on int the coworkers head and she asked if there was ANYTHING that our boy would be able to eat. And the only thing there that would be safe would be a banana from the bruised basket of fruit at the end. Worst case is he would get a rash on his hand from cross contamination on the peel. He could eat the apple if he took it to the bathroom first and scrubbed it with soap. But anything else…. Nope. Milk, mayonnaise, cheese, soy, beans, nuts, peanuts, they lurk everywhere. They’re the buffet’s best friend. He would be able to do the plain salad if he talked to the hotel first and ensured proper preparation conditions and then he got to the salad before anybody else put dirty tongs into it. But that would be taking a big risk. Sad when eating lettuce could be the end of you. Or at least cause a lot of pain and drama and an ambulance bill.
I don’t like this change in me. I don’t like feeling bitter at all the yummy commercials. Campbell’s mushroom soup? Death. I hate food commercials.
I was watching some really crappy cooking show on Shaw TV or something lame like that and I watched the first 45 seconds. And in that 45 seconds they used 5 different ingredients that Bravo is allergic to. So I turned it off.
Every time I hear about something, like a family road trip, all that goes through my head is the logistics of that with a bravo-type kid. No starting the road trip with McDonalds drive through. Meals…. That terrifies me. The amount of research we would have to do first is insane. Where along the whole route could he eat? And where near that is the nearest emergency facility? How far is the longest stretch between hospitals that could care for a small child in anaphylactic shock? Divide the longest time by 15 minutes and that’s how many epi pens we would need to have on us. Is the break between hospitals 45 minutes? Then we need 3 epi pens at all times. Because if he somehow gets bad things into him, an epi pen may only last 15 minutes before he needs another shot or other emergent care.
I can’t go through normal life, seeing and hearing every day stories, without thinking of how scary this world is for a little tiny child with big huge allergies. And I worry for him when he is older if he doesn’t outgrow this. Band trips? Sport trips? Road trips with friends? TERRIFYING. And likely not possible.
I wish this wasn’t a constant presence in my head.
Or that at least the allergic community would start making and advertising affordable and safe foods for people with multiple food allergies.
And I also wish I lived in Montreal. For this one reason.
I would LOVE to take bravo out for supper.
A restaurant that bans all the major 8 food allergens. Amazing. That doesn’t count legumes aside from soy and peanuts, but I’m pretty sure they would take all precautions when informed. And they carry epi pens in case a diner has a reaction and doesn’t have their epi pen on them. That amazing!!
Maybe one day I’ll win a whack load of money and then get the people who made this restaurant to do a franchise in Winnipeg. If you do live in Montreal, you should go there and then tell me how it is. And if the food is good despite being made of all Bravo-friendly things.
Oh- My new answer to people when they find out about Bravo’s food allergies and then ask “so what DO you feed him?” It's “soylent green” And I’m delighted when I get the response back of “it’s people!” instead of the confused look I normally get.
What am I even talking about any more???
Friday 6 April 2012
Technology
Why is it that a 4 year old knows how to work things better than me?? He found an application on my iPod, saw it said free, asked me to "enter all those special numbers" and then took a picture of Bob the bear and Lego-ified it. In about 38 seconds. 
Wednesday 4 April 2012
It doesn't have to be right now
Do you ever have a moment that should have meant nothing but meant everything? A passing comment that was simply that, a passing comment, but it turns into a whole philosophical… thing?
I was at the grocery store the other day buying some random things. And I was at the checkout and had my debit card in the machine and punched everything and then went into la-la land in my head. The cashier had to tell me twice to take my card out of the machine I was staring at. I said something about “one day, one day I will have my brain back”.
And her response has been swirling in my head since.
“yes, but it doesn’t need to be right now”.
It doesn’t need to be right now. It doesn’t need to be right now. There is more wisdom in those 7 words than I have heard in a long long time. There are a lot of things I need to get to. A lot of things I want my heart and brain to rush to. A lot of things I wish were different about myself and a lot of things I’m working on.
I need to clean my windows. I need to clean my whole house, really.
I want to make crafts with the boys.
I work everyday to be OK with Thomas not being with us.
I struggle to find room in my life for Delta, I struggle to accept that chances are that Delta will be here, safe and sound in my arms, in 9.5 weeks.
I wish I had a clearer head. I wish I could be organized and planned and somehow laid back all at the same time.
I am striving towards growing and being a strong and confident and loving mother and wife and woman.
I really really really want to get on track with my schooling and reach out to other women in a new role.
One day I will have my brain back.
Yes, but it doesn’t need to be right now.
Right now I am a young (ish) mom to 3 very young boys and I am going on 31 weeks pregnant. And it is OK to just… be. To be where I am. To be spacey and tired and full of love for my three weird and wonderful little creatures. It is OK to still be sad about Thomas, it is OK to miss him like crazy as I watch Charlie grow and explore each day. It’s OK my house is dusty. And my windows are gross. It’s OK. These things will come. But it doesn’t need to be right now.
Maybe I’m over thinking this. (not that I EVER over think things….) maybe I’m putting too much into the cashier’s words. But they were what I needed to hear.
Be where you are, Chrissy. And see the beauty and love in the chaos. And in 9 weeks it will get even more chaotic and even more beautiful as you have another brand new life to snuggle and breathe in. This is what is right now, there is time later for everything else.
Tuesday 3 April 2012
Alpha's Prediction
A lot of funny things happen at supper times in our house. A lot of annoying things, too, but a lot of funny things. And now that Alpha is getting older the conversations are just getting funnier.
Alpha was telling me the 794th knock-knock joke of the day (knock knock, who’s there, banana Ben water face). Bravo was repeating everything Alpha said (which made for about 1588 super-time knock knock jokes) and Charlie was squealing in delight at himself as he made his entire face and head orange with spaghetti.
So looking at my totally sane and calm family, I asked Alpha a very serious question.
Me- “Alpha, what do you think are the chances of the new baby NOT being crazy?”
Alpha- “Not very good, mommy. All signs point to crazy.”
Yes. Yes, they do.
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