This is a letter I want to write. It's geared to the people who say stupid things about sweet adorable people with allergies. Who think that their child's right to eat a Skippy sandwich overrides MY child's right to, you know, not die.
I had heard it said that when you become a mom, you become a mom to all the children in the world. And I never really got that, even when I became a mom. I mean, I wanted kids to be loved and cared for and healthy and stories of sick babies and neglected children and babies thrown in dumpsters made me terrible sad. Then I became Allergy Mom. And I suddenly got it. And here's what I got.
My child's health and safety and life is equal to YOUR child's life and health and safety. And that's equal to the kid's down the streets life. And that's as important as the random strange kid at school's life.
And my child's preferences and convenience is on par with your child's and every other kid's convenience.
And life is more important than convenience.
And it is MY job as a parent to ensure not only the safety and well-being of my child, but for all the kids I directly or indirectly come into contact with. Yup, that includes kids with health issues in grade 6 at the same school that my pre-schooler goes to. And if something that MY child does negatively impacted the health and well-being of that child who's name I don't even know, well then, as soon as it was brought to my attention I would do my best to change it. EVEN IF IT WAS A PAIN IN MY ASS. because your child's life is important to me. It's that simple.
So for all those mom's who seriously have an issue with not being able to bring peanut butter to school, or having to wash your hands when you come into the class room, or are annoyed because the teacher will ask your child to change their shirt if she shows up with breakfast on it, I really want you to just think. Step out of your self-centred, narrow-minded little world for just one second. Please. Imagine the pain and grief of rushing your child to the hospital repeatedly not knowing if they would survive because for some stupid reason their body decided that milk (or eggs, or nuts, or whatever) is poison. And then think how you would want YOUR child treated if they had some sort of issue. Would you want them segregated? Would you want them pointed and and griped about? Would you want other people to wish they would just go away so that their life was a bit more "convenient"? Just think. And then, you know, follow the golden rule. And get your head out of your arse and treat people with empathy and respect and care and concern.
That said- feel free to whine a bit at home. But NEVER EVER say in public or to an allergy parent or to anyone, really, that it's annoying. Because I guarantee you being allergy mom is MORE annoying.
And... for allergy parents with more than one child, we also live both sides. I am Allergy Mom and "mom of kids who can eat everything". And I have to find a way to balance Bravo's safety with Alpha's and Charlie's love of yogurt and milk and cheese and Eggo waffles and pizza. And you know what, it's possible. It requires safety precautions to be put in place and it require that you be diligent and careful. But if I can do it every. single. day., then you can do it for 6 hours in a day when your child shares an environment with mine.
Please, just think. And treat my child and all other allergy kids like the sweet wonderful little people that they are, not like an annoying thorn in your side. Please.
THE END.
Thursday 29 December 2011
Friday 23 December 2011
grief in a box
I keep my grief about Thomas in a box. But I really do mean that in the most literal way possible. When Charlie was born my doula and very close friend (who happens to work at a crisis pregnancy centre) gave me a hand painted small blue box with little shooting stars on it. Inside was a small packet of Kleenex, a super ugly tiny teddy bear, a small beaded bracelet that says "loved" and a little candle. I have almost thrown out the teddy bear multiple times because it's THAT ugly, but the thought of throwing out anything that even remotely has anything to do with me is just so sad. I mean, I already threw him out (my biggest regret) and to add anything else to that list makes me queasy.
I have added to the box. There are the 2 ultrasound pictures with both Thomas and Charlie in it. Charlie, big and healthy and living, Thomas, a visible, fully formed perfect but dead baby. Charlie's head snuggled into Thomas'.
Beside the box is a pair of tiny knitted booties I made: dark brown with little blue buttons. And on top of the box is a small (and very cute) lamb. The box and it's contents and the 2 extras sit on a small corner shelf in Charlie's room. Every now and then I open the box. And I look at those pictures and I both feel joy for having him inside me and deep sadness for having him not be with us. I miss him right now. I should be chasing TWO 11 month old babies away from the Christmas tree. I used to have the ultrasound pictures in my bed side drawer but I found I looked at them too much, I obsessed about them. Having them in Charlie's room makes it harder to obsess and makes me happy that the small bit of Thomas left shares a room with his brother. And maybe one day when he's old enough Charlie will want them to be in there anyways.
On Thomas' day (August 26th) I lit the candle and had it burning as I was putting Charlie to bed. Then I blew it out before I left the room. And I bawled. I think that candle will be saved for every August 26th.
I don't think Matt even knows about those pictures. Or about me lighting the candle. I don't know if he knows what I keep in that box, what it signifies. Maybe he does, but it's one of those things we have never talked about. It's like it's my thing for my missing baby. I know that makes zero sense. But if there is anything I have learnt about grief in the last 16 months is that it rarely makes sense.
And so up until now I have kept my grief in a box. Hidden for people to not see, a secret for me to hold and love. For it to be mine.
And then this week a gift was sent to me in the mail. A small angel Christmas tree ornament. Sent to me in memory of my beautiful Thomas. And I held it and I cried. Alpha saw me holding it and he asked if the beautiful beautiful ornament was very delicate and special. I said it was, and he asked to see it. He held it and told me again how pretty he thought it was and that we should hang it on the tree.
So we did. And now my grief hangs on a sparkly tree covered in glitter and lights and strange child-made ornaments. Not everybody knows what it is, but it's there for all who notice it to see.
Knowing that somebody thought of Thomas at the holidays both breaks and warms my heart. It brings a bit of peace and a bit of healing. I am not the only one who thinks of him. Somebody else thought of him and me enough to lovingly buy and send this angel. And that I think is one of the best gifts I could have received.
And so my grief will hang on the tree. And when we take the tree down I am not sure that I will place the ornament in the decoration box. I think perhaps it will hang in Charlie's window. Because I put enough things in boxes and perhaps it's time Thomas isn't one of them.
I have added to the box. There are the 2 ultrasound pictures with both Thomas and Charlie in it. Charlie, big and healthy and living, Thomas, a visible, fully formed perfect but dead baby. Charlie's head snuggled into Thomas'.
Beside the box is a pair of tiny knitted booties I made: dark brown with little blue buttons. And on top of the box is a small (and very cute) lamb. The box and it's contents and the 2 extras sit on a small corner shelf in Charlie's room. Every now and then I open the box. And I look at those pictures and I both feel joy for having him inside me and deep sadness for having him not be with us. I miss him right now. I should be chasing TWO 11 month old babies away from the Christmas tree. I used to have the ultrasound pictures in my bed side drawer but I found I looked at them too much, I obsessed about them. Having them in Charlie's room makes it harder to obsess and makes me happy that the small bit of Thomas left shares a room with his brother. And maybe one day when he's old enough Charlie will want them to be in there anyways.
On Thomas' day (August 26th) I lit the candle and had it burning as I was putting Charlie to bed. Then I blew it out before I left the room. And I bawled. I think that candle will be saved for every August 26th.
I don't think Matt even knows about those pictures. Or about me lighting the candle. I don't know if he knows what I keep in that box, what it signifies. Maybe he does, but it's one of those things we have never talked about. It's like it's my thing for my missing baby. I know that makes zero sense. But if there is anything I have learnt about grief in the last 16 months is that it rarely makes sense.
And so up until now I have kept my grief in a box. Hidden for people to not see, a secret for me to hold and love. For it to be mine.
And then this week a gift was sent to me in the mail. A small angel Christmas tree ornament. Sent to me in memory of my beautiful Thomas. And I held it and I cried. Alpha saw me holding it and he asked if the beautiful beautiful ornament was very delicate and special. I said it was, and he asked to see it. He held it and told me again how pretty he thought it was and that we should hang it on the tree.
So we did. And now my grief hangs on a sparkly tree covered in glitter and lights and strange child-made ornaments. Not everybody knows what it is, but it's there for all who notice it to see.
Knowing that somebody thought of Thomas at the holidays both breaks and warms my heart. It brings a bit of peace and a bit of healing. I am not the only one who thinks of him. Somebody else thought of him and me enough to lovingly buy and send this angel. And that I think is one of the best gifts I could have received.
And so my grief will hang on the tree. And when we take the tree down I am not sure that I will place the ornament in the decoration box. I think perhaps it will hang in Charlie's window. Because I put enough things in boxes and perhaps it's time Thomas isn't one of them.
Thursday 8 December 2011
Food Friday on Thursday- dairy free soy free cheese sauce
OK. I've been meaning to write this out for some time now. But first I had to make some and measure. I don't measure. Ever. I dump and stir and add and taste until things look and taste... right. So this took FAR too much time. But it's done now.
Ingredients (and this is what I used, but is by no means set in stone)
4 Tablespoons oil
8 Tablespoon flour
4 1/2 cups rice milk (almond would probably taste pretty good, but we can't use that)
1 teaspoon garlic powder (more wouldn't hurt)
1/2 teaspoon pepper (also- more would be fine)
3/4 teaspoon onion powder
1/2 teaspoon salt (I tried to use less- it tasted really bad until I got up to 1/2 teaspoon. More would be fine, too, just not less)
3/4 bag of daiya "cheese". Pepper jack is really yummy in it, cheddar is what I normally use because it's more readily available, mozzarella I've tried but the result was a bit bland.
Heat oil in large pot over med to med/ high heat. Add flour and whisk or stir. Whisking makes it smoother more easily. Add rice milk 1/2 cup at a time whisking/ stirring well in between each addition and adding the next when it gets thick. Once you've added all the milk reduce heat to a low simmer. Add in seasonings. If it's getting too thick add some more rice milk. Once you have it the right texture and the right taste (should be tasty before the addition of the "cheese") add about 3/4 of a bag of Daiya and remove from heat. Stir until cheese is melted and well blended. I let sit in the pot until cooler (or in the fridge) and then I pour into ice cube trays.
This is enough to fill 2 full ice cube trays. Once frozen I pop 'em out and store in a ziplock bag i the freezer. This is AMAZING to have on hand for quick lunches or something. I just make some noodles for Bravo, melt 2 cubes of this in the microwave and add the noddles to the bowl and stir. Also good to use over veggies, it may just need to be thinned out a bit more. This makes good sauce for a baked pasta dish as well. I make the giant pot of it so I only have to make it every so often and I have it ready to use when needed. If I didn't know this didn't taste like cheese (like if I had been dairy free for a while, or like Bravo, for always,) then it would get the cheese sauce job done.
I was so excited when Bravo outgrew his pea allergy because it meant I could use daiya cheese. Wonderful. And superstore even sells it, so it doesn't mean an extra trip to thetoo expensive store health food store.
Voila.
Tomorrow: diary free cream of mushroom sauce- amazing for meatballs!
Ingredients (and this is what I used, but is by no means set in stone)
4 Tablespoons oil
8 Tablespoon flour
4 1/2 cups rice milk (almond would probably taste pretty good, but we can't use that)
1 teaspoon garlic powder (more wouldn't hurt)
1/2 teaspoon pepper (also- more would be fine)
3/4 teaspoon onion powder
1/2 teaspoon salt (I tried to use less- it tasted really bad until I got up to 1/2 teaspoon. More would be fine, too, just not less)
3/4 bag of daiya "cheese". Pepper jack is really yummy in it, cheddar is what I normally use because it's more readily available, mozzarella I've tried but the result was a bit bland.
Heat oil in large pot over med to med/ high heat. Add flour and whisk or stir. Whisking makes it smoother more easily. Add rice milk 1/2 cup at a time whisking/ stirring well in between each addition and adding the next when it gets thick. Once you've added all the milk reduce heat to a low simmer. Add in seasonings. If it's getting too thick add some more rice milk. Once you have it the right texture and the right taste (should be tasty before the addition of the "cheese") add about 3/4 of a bag of Daiya and remove from heat. Stir until cheese is melted and well blended. I let sit in the pot until cooler (or in the fridge) and then I pour into ice cube trays.
This is enough to fill 2 full ice cube trays. Once frozen I pop 'em out and store in a ziplock bag i the freezer. This is AMAZING to have on hand for quick lunches or something. I just make some noodles for Bravo, melt 2 cubes of this in the microwave and add the noddles to the bowl and stir. Also good to use over veggies, it may just need to be thinned out a bit more. This makes good sauce for a baked pasta dish as well. I make the giant pot of it so I only have to make it every so often and I have it ready to use when needed. If I didn't know this didn't taste like cheese (like if I had been dairy free for a while, or like Bravo, for always,) then it would get the cheese sauce job done.
I was so excited when Bravo outgrew his pea allergy because it meant I could use daiya cheese. Wonderful. And superstore even sells it, so it doesn't mean an extra trip to the
Voila.
Tomorrow: diary free cream of mushroom sauce- amazing for meatballs!
Wednesday 7 December 2011
Food Friday on wednesday- Allergy Friendly Egg Nog
I came across a blog writer a while ago (the blog has lots of writers, but this one in particular has amazing recipes free of the 8 major allergens) and I'm in love. If you have food restrictions, check her out.
The recipes are easy enough to substitute back in what you don't need to avoid (like normal flour for us or maybe egg or milk or nuts or something for somebody else) but are all really inclusive. Which is nice because she has made it possible to give Bravo some of the things that other wise he couldn't. Like Mayo (and therefor honey dill dipping sauce!) or Christmas Eggnog.
Bravo obviously didn't have the added rum, but I made this for him today and he LOVED it. I mean loved. I think his 8 oz cup of it was gone in less than 30 seconds. The downfall is it doesn't store long, but it was really really easy to make so it won't be hard to make this every few days for the season. I just need to remember to make it ahead of time because it needs to get nice and cold.
So here it is, copied right out of the blog.
A delicious “creamy,” rich eggnog that’s much lower in fat and cholesterol than the traditional beverage---and allergy-friendly to boot! It’s also free of refined sugar. This recipe may be made with or without rum.
3 cups rice milk (or other vegan milk of choice)
2 Tbsp. tapioca starch
1 ½ tsp. pure vanilla extract
¼ cup maple syrup
1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg (preferably freshly grated), plus more for garnish
¼ cup dark rum (optional)
1. Combine ½ cup of the rice milk with the tapioca starch. Whisk well until frothy. Add vanilla extract. Whisk well to combine.
2. Combine 1 ½ cups of the rice milk with the maple syrup in a heavy pot. Whisk. Add nutmeg and whisk well to combine. Bring to a simmer over medium-high heat, stirring often with a wooden spoon. Add tapioca starch mixture to pot. Heat, whisking continuously, until it reaches a simmer. Once it's slightly thickened, add the remaining cup of rice milk. Bring to a simmer, reduce heat to low, and cook, stirring continuously, until rich and creamy, about 4 minutes.
3. Pour into a pitcher or large mason jar. Chill for at least four hours and up to 2 days. When ready to serve, stir or shake eggnog, mix in rum, pour into glasses, top with Rice Whip, and garnish with ground nutmeg.
Allergy-Friendly, Vegan, Gluten-Free, Refined Sugar-Free “Eggnog”© 2010 by Cybele Pascal
Yummy!! Happy Christmas season!!!
The recipes are easy enough to substitute back in what you don't need to avoid (like normal flour for us or maybe egg or milk or nuts or something for somebody else) but are all really inclusive. Which is nice because she has made it possible to give Bravo some of the things that other wise he couldn't. Like Mayo (and therefor honey dill dipping sauce!) or Christmas Eggnog.
Bravo obviously didn't have the added rum, but I made this for him today and he LOVED it. I mean loved. I think his 8 oz cup of it was gone in less than 30 seconds. The downfall is it doesn't store long, but it was really really easy to make so it won't be hard to make this every few days for the season. I just need to remember to make it ahead of time because it needs to get nice and cold.
So here it is, copied right out of the blog.
A delicious “creamy,” rich eggnog that’s much lower in fat and cholesterol than the traditional beverage---and allergy-friendly to boot! It’s also free of refined sugar. This recipe may be made with or without rum.
3 cups rice milk (or other vegan milk of choice)
2 Tbsp. tapioca starch
1 ½ tsp. pure vanilla extract
¼ cup maple syrup
1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg (preferably freshly grated), plus more for garnish
¼ cup dark rum (optional)
1. Combine ½ cup of the rice milk with the tapioca starch. Whisk well until frothy. Add vanilla extract. Whisk well to combine.
2. Combine 1 ½ cups of the rice milk with the maple syrup in a heavy pot. Whisk. Add nutmeg and whisk well to combine. Bring to a simmer over medium-high heat, stirring often with a wooden spoon. Add tapioca starch mixture to pot. Heat, whisking continuously, until it reaches a simmer. Once it's slightly thickened, add the remaining cup of rice milk. Bring to a simmer, reduce heat to low, and cook, stirring continuously, until rich and creamy, about 4 minutes.
3. Pour into a pitcher or large mason jar. Chill for at least four hours and up to 2 days. When ready to serve, stir or shake eggnog, mix in rum, pour into glasses, top with Rice Whip, and garnish with ground nutmeg.
Allergy-Friendly, Vegan, Gluten-Free, Refined Sugar-Free “Eggnog”© 2010 by Cybele Pascal
Yummy!! Happy Christmas season!!!
Thursday 1 December 2011
thankful for canadian health care
I was going to mope on here today. I'm having a really hard time emotionally with Saturday's events. The emotional impact of them hit me yesterday and hit me hard. I was a wreck. It feels sometimes like I'm just waiting for Bravo to die. Maybe soon, maybe when he's 4, maybe when he's 8 or 15 or 37, but this could get him anytime anywhere. And I'm having a hard time with it.
But then I did some looking around the Internet. 6% of kids under 3 have anaphylactic food allergies. 6% is scary. That's a lot of kids. 3% of all Canadians have them. This is not rare to me and my family, even though sometimes it feels like it. And anaphylaxis is deadly when epinephrine has either been delayed, not given at all, or given in inadequate amounts. If you get that epi pen in quickly, and have a back up in case the reaction is still severe in 5-15 minutes and call an ambulance then chances are that the person will be fine. So we make sure that everyone in contact with Bravo knows about his allergies and knows what to do if he starts up with a reaction. Reactions happen. I can minimize the risk, but I can't control it. As much as I would like to put him in a plastic bubble and feed him plastic food and never let him or his food out of my sight, I can't do that. It wouldn't be good for me or for him or for anyone else involved. But I can prepare and still protect him. And eventually teach him to protect himself.
And I am thankful that we live in a time and place where there is epi pens. And 911 and ambulances and paramedics and medicine and hospitals and public health care. And I'm thankful that I don't need to worry about insurance companies and filing claims to get crazy hospital bills covered. I'm thankful that Bravo will not need to face being denied coverage because he's a "high risk" individual. I'm thankful for benefits that pay for ambulances ($380!!!) and for epi pens. I'm thankful that there are people that care about my boy and go out of their way to keep him safe. I am thankful there are people who are paid to help him when he's had a reaction. I am thankful for my little boy. And that he's still here with me. Because in another time or place he might not be.
So as much as being Allergy Mom really sucks some days, it's not necessarily a death sentence for him. And I know that other families face much harder struggles on a daily basis.
I am thankful that when he eats something and gets very sick and it could be deathly if not treated that he's back to being normal old Bravo 8 hours later. Allergies are strange.
And I'm thankful that there's a LOT of research going into allergies. And that there are smart people trying to fix them. And I'm hopeful that by the time my little Bravo has babies that maybe, just maybe, he won't have to be on the parent end of this and and they will have found a cure for allergies.
But then I did some looking around the Internet. 6% of kids under 3 have anaphylactic food allergies. 6% is scary. That's a lot of kids. 3% of all Canadians have them. This is not rare to me and my family, even though sometimes it feels like it. And anaphylaxis is deadly when epinephrine has either been delayed, not given at all, or given in inadequate amounts. If you get that epi pen in quickly, and have a back up in case the reaction is still severe in 5-15 minutes and call an ambulance then chances are that the person will be fine. So we make sure that everyone in contact with Bravo knows about his allergies and knows what to do if he starts up with a reaction. Reactions happen. I can minimize the risk, but I can't control it. As much as I would like to put him in a plastic bubble and feed him plastic food and never let him or his food out of my sight, I can't do that. It wouldn't be good for me or for him or for anyone else involved. But I can prepare and still protect him. And eventually teach him to protect himself.
And I am thankful that we live in a time and place where there is epi pens. And 911 and ambulances and paramedics and medicine and hospitals and public health care. And I'm thankful that I don't need to worry about insurance companies and filing claims to get crazy hospital bills covered. I'm thankful that Bravo will not need to face being denied coverage because he's a "high risk" individual. I'm thankful for benefits that pay for ambulances ($380!!!) and for epi pens. I'm thankful that there are people that care about my boy and go out of their way to keep him safe. I am thankful there are people who are paid to help him when he's had a reaction. I am thankful for my little boy. And that he's still here with me. Because in another time or place he might not be.
So as much as being Allergy Mom really sucks some days, it's not necessarily a death sentence for him. And I know that other families face much harder struggles on a daily basis.
I am thankful that when he eats something and gets very sick and it could be deathly if not treated that he's back to being normal old Bravo 8 hours later. Allergies are strange.
And I'm thankful that there's a LOT of research going into allergies. And that there are smart people trying to fix them. And I'm hopeful that by the time my little Bravo has babies that maybe, just maybe, he won't have to be on the parent end of this and and they will have found a cure for allergies.
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