Happy Thomas Day

I was hesitant to say Happy Thomas Day because I was unsure if "happy" was the right sentiment but you know what? It is.

Today is a day we get to celebrate Thomas as a family. That we get to spend together and be glad we have each other and celebrate that we had another perfect and beautiful boy, if only for a moment.

There were a lot of tears last night. The one and only plan I had for today was to get cupcakes and balloons and let balloons go for Thomas. When I called to order the balloons there was no helium. Anywhere in the city. None. I lost it. Full on ugly cry with tears and snot running freely down my face. Matt held me and then suggested a few other things. I didn't want plan b though. Matt pointed out that life, and especially parenting, IS a series of plan Bs.

So my plan b had me on a hunt for rubber duckies. At 8:00 at night. On a Saturday. When most stores were closed. I finally found some and the girl at the store joking asked if there was a rubber ducky shortage or if I was just stocking up. I teared up and said it was for a memorial for my son. She teared up and asked a couple questions and gave me a hug and told me she would be thinking of me. It was nice.

Today we went to the river. We wrote messages on our duckies and took pictures and said happy Thomas day to each other and threw the ducks in the water. We sent out a ducky each for two other babies gone too soon.

Then the boys ran around in the woods for a while before we went to the near-by playground and had cupcakes. It was really really nice. Laid back, peaceful, fun. I think plan b turned out better than plan a could have.

So happy Thomas Day. And if you see a ducky in a river, think of my Thomas.

Two years

The two year mark is rapidly approaching. Sunday will mark the day.
I have mixed feelings about the anniversary. But mostly I'm sad that I am the only one here that remembers. I told Matt I had some ideas about what we could do on Sunday and he gave me a blank look. I said "august 26th?" and the blank look continued. I said "Thomas" and he immediately apologized and said we could do whatever I wanted. I know mothers aren't the only ones that hold grief, but it sure does seem like we carry it differently. And more prominently. I'm sad that nobody in Thomas' family other than me knows the date he died. Or rather, the date we found out he died.

Planning on celebrating Thomas' life now seems a bit more complicated. Delta will also know that she started out as a twin, but I don't know how to explain why her twin does not hold the same place or weight in my heart as Thomas. Her twin does not have a name, does not have a date, likely will not have a special remembrance. Or perhaps it should. I don't want her to feel like I love Charlie's twin more (and therefore Charlie himself) than I do her. Or perhaps I'm over thinking this.

I find I overthink things a lot just prior to these anniversaries.

I also have a hard time with believing everything else will be OK. I wonder if it's only a matter of time before Charlie goes to be with his twin. If Charlie sleeps in my mind jumps to worst case scenario. When in reality he was just really tired. Crappy things have happened in our family and I know we are not exempt from more crappy things.

I spent a lot of time in the middle of the night last night thinking about Thomas. I find my hand STILL goes to my belly when I think of him because that's the only place I ever held him. I wonder how our lives would be different. I wonder how Charlie would be different. I wonder if Delta still would have arrived.

So many what ifs. But they don't change anything. So I hug my babies and plan a remembrance for the babies I don't have. Maybe we will add Delta's twin into the day. Then Thomas can celebrate with his sister.