Better

My brain is in a better place this week. My last post.... I almost deleted it because I felt so guilty putting those words out there. But I decided not to delete it.
The truth is that I would not change my life. The truth is also that some days I think I would. And the bigger truth is that I can't so there's no point even thinking about the "if I could"s.
I went back to see my councilor. I was starting to worry About my sanity. I was wondering if I was going to sink into the deep dark hole that I was in after Alpha Turns out I'm just tired. Really really deeply tired. I'm not crazy. I need sleep. But that's still a ways off.
I don't even really know what I'm posting or why.
I feel guilty these days over everything. And I guess I'm trying to erase some of that. Justify my thoughts. Fix the impressions I may have made.
I feel guilty for my last post. I feel guilty for complaining. I feel guilty for not being as sad as I used to be about Thomas. I feel guilty for being lazy at home. I feel guilty for being a mom, like I was given these four perfect and beautiful children and I am failing them and will seriously screw them up.
I live a good life.
The last week the four of us (while the littlest 2 are asleep) have been crawling into our bed and reading Frog and Toad and some chapter books. And in those moments..... It does not get better than that. They are perfect moments. And I can't wait until all 4 are old enough.

Another pointless post.

One day. One day I will have more time to write on here. One day I will have clarity and the ability to write what is in my heart. One day my brain will not be full of holes.

Some days. Am I the only one?

Motherhood. I'm not convinced its all it's cracked up to be. Or maybe the way "perfect mothers" are portrayed to not-yet mothers is really damaging. I'm not sure I knew what I was getting myself into. I pictured the hugs, the bike rides, the soothing sad souls when they skin their knees or hurt their feelings. I pictured making sweet treats for smiling faces. Tucking wee ones into their beds and watching them sleep. I even imagined colic. And somehow romanticized it. How I would be so tired but would hold my sweet baby and sleep leaning against a running dishwasher if I needed to. I pictured weathering temper tantrums, sibling rivalry, picky eating habits, messy houses.

what I didn't realize is that it's hard. And exhausting. And all-encompassing.

Constant bickering, food battles, 6 years of sleep deprivation, temper tantrums that require restraining your child, mess on top of mess on top of mess, constant un ending worry for the safety of small people, bad manners, bad attitudes, sometimes it's hard to want to continue for even one more minute.

Ok. So here goes. Here's my truth. And I'm not proud of it. But I can't be the only one. Please, tell me I'm not the only one.

Sometimes the snuggles and kisses and love doesn't make up for all the other stuff. Sometimes the scale tips so far to the side of exhaustion and fighting and the desire to have just a moments peace that I wish I could re-wind the clock, go back to December 2006, and tell myself that I'm not actually cut out for mothering and should really not have babies. It's not every day I think this. Some days though I do. Matt's sister and her husband are childless by choice. And sometime I'm thinking they got it right. They can go where they want when they want. They have more disposable income. They get to keep themselves and each other as their top priorities. And some days they sound like the smart ones.

Most days I am grateful for my crazy life and my crazy kids and I wouldn't trade it.

But some days.......
So there it is.
Please tell me other people feel this way.