Better

My brain is in a better place this week. My last post.... I almost deleted it because I felt so guilty putting those words out there. But I decided not to delete it.
The truth is that I would not change my life. The truth is also that some days I think I would. And the bigger truth is that I can't so there's no point even thinking about the "if I could"s.
I went back to see my councilor. I was starting to worry About my sanity. I was wondering if I was going to sink into the deep dark hole that I was in after Alpha Turns out I'm just tired. Really really deeply tired. I'm not crazy. I need sleep. But that's still a ways off.
I don't even really know what I'm posting or why.
I feel guilty these days over everything. And I guess I'm trying to erase some of that. Justify my thoughts. Fix the impressions I may have made.
I feel guilty for my last post. I feel guilty for complaining. I feel guilty for not being as sad as I used to be about Thomas. I feel guilty for being lazy at home. I feel guilty for being a mom, like I was given these four perfect and beautiful children and I am failing them and will seriously screw them up.
I live a good life.
The last week the four of us (while the littlest 2 are asleep) have been crawling into our bed and reading Frog and Toad and some chapter books. And in those moments..... It does not get better than that. They are perfect moments. And I can't wait until all 4 are old enough.

Another pointless post.

One day. One day I will have more time to write on here. One day I will have clarity and the ability to write what is in my heart. One day my brain will not be full of holes.