Monday- back from my brain leave

I am so done with the last few weeks. I miss my brain. I miss the emotional stability that I worked so hard for in my life- it's been snatched away by the evil first trimester gods. I shake my fist at them!

So since we told Alpha about Delta on the way, he's been so excited but also really struggling with Thomas. We have always said we didn't want the boys to remember the first time they ever heard about Thomas, we didn't want it to be a shock or a big secret or a huge discussion that they would remember. We just wanted the to always know about it. Alpha every now and then brings up Thomas with statements like "I wish Thomas was here. I wish I could hold him and play with him." I just answer "me, too, buddy" and give him a huge hug.
This last week I was playing with Alpha in his room and he had a snack of snap peas, carrots, crackers, a cheese stick, some water and a pizza pop (well, OK- it was more lunch than snack) and Alpha kept asking me if I wanted a bite of whatever food he had in his hand. If I said "no" then he would say "well, the baby really wants some, so you open your mouth and eat it and it will go into your belly and then the baby will open his mouth and eat it!" which led to a long discussion about what eventually came to be called "stomach food hoses" (the umbilical cord- duh!).

Then Alpha picked up his pizza pop. And stared at it. And looked at me. And stared at it some more. Then he said "pizza pops would make Bravo really sick, right?" I said yes. Then he said "I don't think you should eat a pizza pop because it will make the baby really really sick and then he might not come out." After some discussion he started talking about Thomas. And how he couldn't come out because he got sick and couldn't be with us. And maybe he was allergic to foods that I ate and that's what made him sick. And he didn't want this baby to get sick because he misses Thomas so much and he wants this baby to grow big and pop out.

Wow. Clearly this kid has a lot going on in that little 4 year old brain of his. When I said that it wasn't anything I did or didn't do, or did or didn't eat that made Thomas sick he sat in my lap and hugged me and said "sometimes sickness just happens and he made his own sickness and then couldn't come out, mommy?" I think all I could choke out without crying was a weak little "yup. Sometimes sickness just happens and it's nobody's fault."

Which I think is also the first time I've said (out loud OR in my head) that it isn't my fault that Thomas died.

Since then Alpha just keeps kissing my belly and saying hi to the baby and giving my belly his bear and feeding me things he thinks the baby would like from the food hose.

I'm so glad that Alpha is who he is. He's compassionate and empathetic and really deeply caring. Even if he is sometimes destructive and crazy. I hope that I can take care of the sweet gentle little heart that he has.

I really hope this baby makes it. For me, yes, for the baby, yes, but especially for Alpha. He is so excited about his new baby in mommy's belly and tells it every day to "grow, grow, grow, and then pop out in the summer!"

So Delta, if you're listening, grow grow grow and then pop out healthy in the summer, OK?