the dissapearing mom

Some days I find it hard not to just.... disappear. *Poof*. There's just so much to do. So many things to get caught up on. Laundry (dear me, the laundry), unloading the dishwasher for the 38th time in a day (how do 5 people go through THAT many dishes? Seriously?) feeding small people, putting small people to sleep, then getting them up and feeding them again just in time to bathe them and put them back to sleep. I figured out that I put small people to bed 7-8 times a day. Which will only get worse come June. And I don't think I could count the number of times I give small people food. Probably around 784. Then there's the playing (fun) and the refereeing (less fun) and the wiping and the cleaning and the tidying and the sorting and the shoe-putting-on-ing that consumes the remaining minutes of the day.

Some days I remember to get dressed at 3:55 (Matthew gets home shortly after 4) or realize that I haven't brushed my teeth in the entire day. I mean, gum is great, but that gets gross. My shirts are a disaster and my jeans have at least 3 different kinds of bodily fluid on them at any given time, even if they JUST got washed (which is only marginally better than the yoga pants that I change out of at 3:55) and I can't remember the last time I straightened my hair and did something nice with it other than stuff it in a pony tail. Wait- yes I can. It was our anniversary- September 15th. That was a month ago.

And some days I get so bogged down in this. I forget who I am, why I'm here, what I was doing with my life before my small people came into the world. I have become Mom. I have been swallowed whole by parenthood. I know one day I'll be spit back out the other end, but not for the foreseeable future.

And some days I forget that I WANT this. I know I chose it, I know I love my small people more than anything ever but it's easy to lose sight of that when somebody is squishing somebody else because the weapon made out of blocks got hit on somebody's head and broke and hit-ee is upset because, well, he got hit, and the hit-er is upset because in his eyes the hit-ee broke the block stack light saber and all three small people are screaming because they're hungry/ tired/ and grouchy all at the same time.

Some days I want to skip the next 5 years and get to the part past really little kids. And I feel terrible writing that. But it's true. But I KNOW I'll miss this. The stories that Alpha tell me now are so very adorable. And I know there will come a day when I can't fix everything in Bravos life with a hug and a heart-felt round of "you are my sunshine". And little Charlie- that kid would smile and laugh at the wall, he's that easily amused. And it's beautiful. And I am so thankful that he's not yet walking and talking and that he's still my baby.

I guess I'm still really reeling from this new small person coming into my life and bringing me back to first trimester (seriously- I forgot how much first trimester sucks monkey balls) and then to newborn and it feels like I will be immersed in small-people-ness for an eternity now. I know it won't be like that. I know it will fly by in a blink. That it will seem like next week when Delta is turning 1. I just have to get past monkey-ball-sucking first trimester first.

I guess I'm still coming to terms with this and figuring out how my life will (or really in some ways won't) change. It was supposed to start going back to me being a little bit more "me" now that the youngest is almost one.

But this is OK. I had a dream last night that they were going to do a c-section at 24 weeks (they told me while I was on a foot ball field, but whatever) and I curled into a fetal position and clutched my belly and screamed and cried. I woke up in the fetal position clutching my belly and crying. I didn't want this pregnancy, but I so deeply want this baby to be healthy and come at the proper time (are you listening, delta? Not too early and NOT LATE) and even though my emotions are still everywhere I love this little person and am excited to see a new member of our family and how (s)he fits in. If it's a he though he will not have a name. Seriously. We were stumped with the third boy, we're down right OUT of boy names.

Alpha wants to help.....
RHHJFHDFHDFGFGHFDGGFGHFGSJFS HGGGHFFGFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFGFG.

I guess I just wasn't prepared for the true cost of children. Not the money (though that's pretty significant) but everything else. At the end of the day though I wouldn't have changed this, even had I known. I might have gone on a fancy vacation before conceiving, but that's about it.

One day I will re-appear as me. Or as the new me. The post-kid, got her life together, hair is brushed new me. And I look forward to meeting that person. And I sure hope she's loved by all her small people because I adore each and everyone of them, even little delta who has thrown me for a big ol' loop. And maybe, just maybe, the new me will have clean pants and brushed teeth. Maybe. A girl can dream.