It broke.

My self protective mechanism broke. And I am both happy about this and deeply annoyed. Annoyed because the thing about self protective mechanisms is that they protect. And I need that.

As of tonight I realized how deeply and badly I want this baby that is growing rapidly inside of me.

I know that sounds dumb. Of COURSE I want my own baby. But I honestly thought that I didn't. For a really long time. I wanted Thomas back, not this "replacement baby". I mean, of course I wanted everything to be ok. I just didn't think I really wanted this child. And I was hoping that when it's born that the feeling would change.

And now I find myself here. Deeply in love with this little creature who is sticking its fist into my cervix and foot into my ribs at the same time. And deeply, badly, achingly wanting it.

And here's where the problem comes in. I'm TERRIFIED. what if Delta isn't ok? I know now all too well that it happens. That babies don't always make it. My heart is still so broken over Thomas. Things don't always go according to the "happily ever after" plan.

I went to the midwife last week and I was measuring 28 (at 30 weeks) which is the same as I was measuring at 28 weeks. So she had me come back yesterday. And I measured 27. So between 26 weeks and 31 weeks I went up 1. Likely it is because baby WAS head down and stretching up madly and is now sideways (allowing for the cervix punch rub kick ninja moves) so my uterus is being stretched more sideways and not up. But to be sure I'm off to fetal assessment next week.

I'm not REALLY worried. But this seems to have broken my mechanism. And I didn't realize the comfort that it was providing. Now I am left with sheer terror. Much less comforting.

So bring on the ninja moves, little baby. Because if you can make 4 spots hurt all at the same time chances are you are doing ok.