It doesn't have to be right now

Do you ever have a moment that should have meant nothing but meant everything? A passing comment that was simply that, a passing comment, but it turns into a whole philosophical… thing?

I was at the grocery store the other day buying some random things. And I was at the checkout and had my debit card in the machine and punched everything and then went into la-la land in my head. The cashier had to tell me twice to take my card out of the machine I was staring at. I said something about “one day, one day I will have my brain back”.

And her response has been swirling in my head since.

“yes, but it doesn’t need to be right now”.

It doesn’t need to be right now. It doesn’t need to be right now. There is more wisdom in those 7 words than I have heard in a long long time. There are a lot of things I need to get to. A lot of things I want my heart and brain to rush to. A lot of things I wish were different about myself and a lot of things I’m working on.

I need to clean my windows. I need to clean my whole house, really.

I want to make crafts with the boys.

I work everyday to be OK with Thomas not being with us.

I struggle to find room in my life for Delta, I struggle to accept that chances are that Delta will be here, safe and sound in my arms, in 9.5 weeks.

I wish I had a clearer head. I wish I could be organized and planned and somehow laid back all at the same time.

I am striving towards growing and being a strong and confident and loving mother and wife and woman.

I really really really want to get on track with my schooling and reach out to other women in a new role.

One day I will have my brain back.

Yes, but it doesn’t need to be right now.

Right now I am a young (ish) mom to 3 very young boys and I am going on 31 weeks pregnant. And it is OK to just… be. To be where I am. To be spacey and tired and full of love for my three weird and wonderful little creatures. It is OK to still be sad about Thomas, it is OK to miss him like crazy as I watch Charlie grow and explore each day. It’s OK my house is dusty. And my windows are gross. It’s OK. These things will come. But it doesn’t need to be right now.

Maybe I’m over thinking this. (not that I EVER over think things….) maybe I’m putting too much into the cashier’s words. But they were what I needed to hear.

Be where you are, Chrissy. And see the beauty and love in the chaos. And in 9 weeks it will get even more chaotic and even more beautiful as you have another brand new life to snuggle and breathe in. This is what is right now, there is time later for everything else.