the things that I say

Do you ever hear yourself saying something and then question your own sanity as the words are coming out? And as the words escape your lips you think to yourself "what the heck am I saying???"?
I do. Regularly. Since becoming a mother I say really dumb things. Often.

Hear is this morning's breakfast conversation between Alpha, Bravo, and I. (Insert random dino roars from a 15 month old throughout the conversation.)

Alpha- "I turned you into a robot with my bagel remote control!"
Bravo- "No! No! I don't want to be a robot!"
"Alpha- "You are! I used my super bagel remote and turned you into a robot. Ha ha ha!!"

Bravo' "Moooom! (large tears streaming down his face at this point) Alpha turned me into a robot with his bagel remote".
Me- "Bravo, you are still a boy." "alpha, you need to ask permission before you use your bagel remote control to turn people into robots because you might hurt somebodies feelings."

What???

In no other time, place, or context would that even make a little bit of sense. I have lost my mind. It has been eaten by small people.

Good jokes

Alpha is into trying to tell jokes right now. And Bravo is into copying anything Alpha does. Which makes for some pretty funny meal time conversations.

A-“knock Knock”

Me- “Who’s there?”

B- “Water Alpha!”

A- “No, knock knock”

Matt- “who’s there?”

A-“water”

Matt- “water who?”

B- “water Bravo!”

Me- “Bravo, let your brother tell the joke.”

B- “water Charlie!”

Matt- “not that brother, your other brother.”

A- “water new baby!”

Me-“you can’t water the new baby, it’s in my belly.”

B-“knock knock”

Me- “who’s there?”

B-“water new baby, Alpha, Bravo!”

A- “knock knock”

Matt- “Who’s there”               B-(at the same time as Alpha now dividing the conversation at the table

                                                         into 2 sets of crazy) “knock knock”

A- “Water”                              me- “who’s there?”

Matt-”water who?”               b- “water Alpha!”

A- “knock knock”                   me- “that’s a good joke.”

Matt- “who’s there?”            B-“knock knock”

A- “Water.”                             Me- “who’s there?”

Matt- “water who?”              B-“blahfgehbackaghwhacthshgjgyusa”

A- “Water banana!”               me-“that makes no sense. Eat your fish.”

A- “Mom, how does the joke go?”

B- “knock knock poop!”

Sigh. Everything always comes back to poop.

After about ½ an hour of this same ridiculous conversation in which bravo (while declaring repeatedly that he does not like fish) ate about ¾ of a salmon fillet to himself and Alpha (while declaring repeatedly that he does not like rice and wasn’t hungry) ate very little, and Charlie went between laughing at his crazy brothers and flinging little bits of rice, salmon, and peppers all over the floor, the 2 jokes finally did come out in more or less the right order.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Water

Water who?

Water you doing???

Knock knock

Who’s there

Banana

Banana who

Knock knock

Who’s there

Banana

Banana who

Knock knock

Who’s there

Orange

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

But at the end of the day it all came back to one joke.

Knock knock.

Poop.

I love my boys.

a.b.c.d.e.f.g.h.i.j.k…….

l.m.n.o.POO!

Did you know that’s how the alphabet goes?? Ask Alpha or Bravo, they’ll tell you. Over and over and over. And shockingly it was Bravo who came up with this clever little gem, NOT Alpha.

We were sitting at the supper table having a normal conversation (well, as normal of a conversation as you can have with a 2.5  and a 4 yr old boy) and we were talking about what they should take for alphabet show & tell at nursery school. Bravo said he wanted to wear pajamas for show and tell, and I told him he had to wait until P day.

Do you see where this is headed?

“No, poo day!” ugh. Bravo, not THAT kind of p. Which led into a discussion about pee vs. pea vs. p. Which Bravo promptly ignored and then just started talking more about Poo Day. And L M N O Poo. And poo soup. And poo pancakes. And poo cake.

At that point Alpha joined in the fun and all I heard about for the remainder of the day was various words connected with the word “poo.”

And you know what Charlie was doing during this charming little supper? Killing himself laughing at his brothers.

Sigh. Welcome to your life, Chrissy. Want a poo pancake?

Move over, Keith Moon

If you know more about music than I do (which really is NOT a hard thing to accomplish) you will know about Keith Moon. The only reason I know about him is becasue Matthew is a music nerd with close to 600 cds wasting space on my bookshelf. And he talks about Keith Moon being the best drummer of all time ever. I think maybe he was in The Who? I might be wrong. Don't tell Matt. Anyways. Whenerb Matt says something about a drummer my answer is always "ya, but he's not as good as Keith Moon" pretending I know something about drumming. Or care. It usually gets me a slap on my behind.

So Matt has a little red drum kit that he loves but hasn't got to spend much time using the last 6 years. Becasue first we lived in a rental house that was 460 sq feet. I'm not kidding. No room in there to lie on the floor, let alone set up a drum kit. Then we moved and had a basement but then had kids. Alpha like the drums from about 1-3, but never really did that much with them. So Matt's been saying he's going to sell them (even though I know he REALLY doesn't want to, he just knows the space would be nice as would the money) and I (even though I would REALLY like to re-claim that basement space) keep telling him not to. And this is exactly why:

3 days ago Alpha had it in his head that he really really really wants to play the drums, so I said maybe Daddy would give him a drum lesson. Well, the second Matt came homw Alpha was on top of him begging for a drum lesson.So while I made dinner Matt gave Alpha a drum lesson. And I could hear the cuteness of it all. He was learning all sorts of actual techinacl things (that I know I can't do- Matt has tried to teach me and I'm just really really bad at understanding anything to do with rythem) and Alpha was doing great. And every now and then I'd hear the drums go crazy and Matt would yell "ya! Drum Solo!!" then it would be back to the lesson. After the third lesson Matt took Alpha into the living room and put on some loud annoying music music with lots of drumming and with Keith Moon. Alpha listened for a while making a comment every now and then about how it was really good and he really likes the drums and that the drummer is really really good at drums.... "but not as good as me." awesome. Move over, Keith Moon, here comes Alpha Jennings. Matt didn't have the heart to tell him that Keith Moon is in fact better at drumming but did say that with lots of practice that he has no doubt that could be true one day.

As an aside Alpha keeps saying that he and Bravo are in a band together. And that they have to go have band practice. I asked what the band was called. He looked at me like I was really stupid and said (and you could hear his eyes roll when he said it) "our band is called Rock, Mommy." Of course it is. Rock. At least you know what kind of music you're getting.

My 4 year old has a type.

I think it’s funny watching the development of little personalities. I never know what’s going to pop out of Bravo’s or Alpha’s mouths. Especially Alpha because he’s older and has just that much more vocabulary. I love watching who they’re turning into and what their preferences are.

My whole life I have had a “type.” The tall and wee bit scrawny are a minor part of it and I would happily give those up for the other parts. The biggest physical attribute that I’m drawn to is dark dark brown hair and big brown eyes. I like lips with a nice dip in the middle of the top lip. And I like nice bums. But really, who doesn’t?? So no surprise that Matthew has super dark brown hair, brown eyes, fabulous lips and a really nice bum. He’s also a big complete idiot. He’s not afraid to make a total dork out of himself just to make me laugh- even if we’re around other people.

I don’t remember when my “type” started. But Alpha already has one.

There are a couple of girls who walk by our house regularly. They’re young-ish, maybe early 20s. They both have dark long hair and are skinny and quite pretty. Whenever Alpha sees them and we’re outside, he walks around our yard and sort of follows them and says hi and introduces himself. Other people he doesn’t so much care about, but those 2 girls he LOVES.

We were talking about marriage the other day when he was fiddling with the rings on my finger. He said he wanted to get married and have a nice ring. I asked what type of person he would like to marry. His answer was cute. And then just plain funny. He said he wanted a nice pretty funny girl with long dark brown hair. And then he patted my shirt and said “and nice big things like you have.” Awesome. My 4 year old wants a pretty, funny, nice girl with dark brown hair and kmockers.

The End.

Flushed Down The Toilet

Alpha just turned 4 and is getting funnier by the second. I think this week I'll post about the random conversations I have with this kid, cause man, he cracks me right up.

A- "mom, can I tell you a joke?"
me- "Sure. I love your jokes."
A- "I flushed Bravo down the toilet!"
me- "um, why is Bravo dwn the toilet?"
A- "Because he loves it there. It smells nice to him."
Me- "don't you think he'll get lonely flushed down the toilet all by himself?"
A- "No. Because I flushed Charlie down there, too! And it's just you and me and Daddy now."
Me- "don't you think you'll get lonely and bored without your brothers?"
A-"well, you can flush me down the toilet and then Daddy can flush you down the toilet and then Daddy can guard the toilet to keep us all safe and make sure no poop lands on our heads.."
Me- "Oh."
A- "Can I have a cookie?"

Thankful.....for penises!

OK. First let me clarify, this is not a post about MY gratitude for the male appendage. It is one about a little boys own love affair with the *best *body* part* ever*.

Charlie has recently discovered his. During naked time or bum changes his hands go there instantly. Fine when there's not poop. Yuck when there is.

Bravo Has now decided his is a toy. No, not a toy. A weapon. Yup.When he goes to the potty he often just doesn't put his pants back on so he's frequently seen running around Donald Duck-style. Yesterday he came whipping around the corner making his shooting gun fire noise and I turned around to see what the weapon of choice was today. A sandwich? A cloth? A wooden spoon? My toothbrush? Nope. He was holding his penis in his hand running around and pretend shooting at things. While in the tub Bravo tries to push it back in yelling "In, Penis! In, Penis! See you later, Penis!". We've worked a lot on "you can not play with Charlie's penis. That's only Charlie's special penis, not yours" when they're in the tub together. Also, "Mooooom! Bravo is touching me with his penis!" is screamed across the house at least once a week by Alpha.

Which brings us to Alpha.
He turns four in 2 days. And the love that boy has for his boy parts is incredible.
We've had multiple conversations of late about the wonder of penises . (why are they sometimes bigger? why does pee come out? why do we hide them in under pants? etc etc etc.)

Conversation in the tub last week.
A-"Mom, when I was in your tummy and you made me did you make all of me?"
me- "sure did."
A- "like my toes and my nose and my face?"
Me- "Yup. All of you. Your toes and nose and adorable little face and your ears and knees and...."
A- "and my penis?"
Me- "yup. That too."
A- "Thank you mommy."
Me- "for what?"
A- "For making me my own special special penis. I love it so much mommy and I'll take really good care of it. I promise."

The end.