Twins.

I want them. I don't get them. I struggle with this daily. Some reminder or another pops up daily and every day I try to not care. Try to ignore it. Try to be brave. To be strong. To love what I have. To be happy with my four (almost) perfect children. 

But it's not enough. It can never be enough. Because out floating in the heavens far beyond reach I have 2 twins. 

Charlie's twin and Delta's twin. 

I so deeply want them. Perhaps more than any mom with living twins has ever wanted twins. I ache for them. Every second of every day. But I pretend I don't. Because nobody gets it. No oft knows the loss and pain I feel. Nobody knows the secret lies I tell total strangers when they see the double stroller and ask if I have twins. Nobody knows that longing in my heart. That 3 years later I would trade every single living person in my life except for my husband and four living children for one of my lost twins. 

And I will forever live like this. Missing what should have been. What could have been. What almost was. Twice. 

Anytime life can start being fair.