Taking a deep breath now.

And working on welcoming baby Delta to our crazy family.

We had our 20 week ultrasound on Friday. I had no idea just HOW worried I was about it until it was over. I’ve always heard that pregnancy after loss is hard. Harder than normal. I had a miscarriage between Alpha and bravo at 5 weeks, and it really didn’t affect me that much. I mean, I was sad, and it sucked, but I right away got pregnant with Bravo and without that miscarriage I just wouldn’t have bravo. And it really didn’t take long to get past my miscarriage point. Only a week after I found out. I was kind of on pins and needles until second trimester, but that’s pretty much every pregnant woman who has ever existed.

This time though, this time. Ugh. It’s not that I thought the same thing would happen. It was just knowing that terrible things happen to pregnancies every single day and knowing that I am not exempt from this. And getting to the 20 week ultrasound this time was terrifying because that’s when everything went pear shaped. (pear-shaped- what does that even mean, anyway??)

We got to the ultrasound and actually didn’t have to wait for an unreasonable amount of time like every single other time I’ve ever gone. Which at this point is a lot. Matthew came with me. He will never again miss another ultrasound. He was there for Alpha’s and not there for Bravos. He was only there for Charlie and Thomas’ because he hadn’t yet started the school year (it was August 26^th – a Thursday.) I don’t know how I would have gotten through that day if he wasn’t there. How do you call your husband to tell him news that your baby is dead? That one baby is in rough shape and the other, that you didn’t even know you had, was lying dead beside your living baby. I shudder just thinking of him not being there, of going by myself like I had with bravo. So now Matthew will cancel all plans and make it to every single ultrasound.

And this time? It was so nice having him there. Feeling the air come back into the room as we watched our one and only in-utero healthy baby kicking around with a healthy, beating, beautiful, 4 chambered heart. Mat held my hand and we both just fought back good tears. The tech was amazing. The biggest “struggle” was deciding if I wanted to know the gender. I did, Matthew said it was up to me, but I only wanted to know to deal with the intense curiosity. So I chose not to. The only time we DID know was when Charlie was in me. And we found out because we had to know because of whatever was going on with his cysts. So NOT knowing is kind of… celebrational for us. It’s been our healthy babies that we didn’t know. So I fought every urge I had and said I didn’t want to know. Not so bad for the toughest part of an ultrasound!!!!

The tech talked me through everything (I told her about Charlie’s 20 week scan) and pointed out every single part of the baby and at the end said ‘last time the doctor probably had to come in and then we would have rushed your results, right?” I said yes and she said “well, there is no reason at all for the doctor to come in and it will take the full 7-10 days for the results to get to your midwife”. Such wonderful words to hear. Without saying “baby looks awesome” she told me that everything is just fine.

And I feel like I can breathe. Like this heaviness that has been on my chest for the past 20 weeks has been moved. And let me tell you, breathing feels awesome. It feels kind of like I’m just finding out I’m pregnant though. I didn’t realize it, but I really hadn’t accepted this pregnancy as real, or at least as something that would result in a new baby. But now… I have no reason to think otherwise. I mean, there are still terrible things that can happen, and I know that. It’s just really nice to be past the part where I lost Thomas. Because whatever happens I got further than I did last time. I suspect, like every single other pregnant woman, I won’t rest easy until this baby is in my arms nursing. Because that’s what mom’s do is worry.

It’s just nice to feel positive. I haven’t felt like this in a very long time.

So, baby Delta, Welcome to our family. I can’t wait to meet you and see who you are and look into your beautiful eyes and kiss your beautiful wrinkly little alien-head. Be who you’re going to be, and I’ll see you in a few months. Love, Mommy.