too much grief

Every where I turn people are grieving. People who have lost babies, people whose husbands are leaving them, people who in secret had a baby 40 years ago and gave it up for adoption because of family shame and still regret it. People who lost jobs, a friend whose 14 month old baby died. They knew it was coming and were waiting for the day when sweet baby Rachel wouldn't be with them, and then poof. She's gone and their grief entered a whole new world. There is big grief and little grief, long term grief and "get over it fast" grief. But every where I turn people are hurting. And that makes me sad.

My good good friend's husband just left her and their 2 beautiful boys. And I can't stop thinking about her and feeling so sad for her. I've been telling Alpha and Bravo all day that Daddy and I love them and that Daddy and I love each other. All last night after we found out Matthew and I just kept touching each other's leg or arm or whatever and telling each other "I love you".

I seem to be more touched by people's grief since losing Thomas. I mean, I had empathy before. I hated to see people sad, I would (usually) try to do something to help, but I wasn't grieving, I was OK, so it just didn't affect me as much.

Since losing Thomas I weep when I hear about a baby dying or a pregnancy not ending happily, or even a child getting recoverably sick. I feel so deeply sad for people when they are hurting. Because I don't want people to hurt. I want to get big colourful emotional bandages and stick them on people and kiss them and make them feel better. But life doesn't work that way.

One phrase that has started driving me a little crazy is "you'll never get more than  you can handle". I don't believe that. Not even for a second. I know some people deeply believe that. I don't. Just because you come out the other end doesn't mean you can handle something. I think of Matt's Grandpa who was an old-time war vet. I have tried to think about what it would be like to be in that war. To have bullets zooming all around, to be spraying bullets yourself. To be covered in your own blood and your friend's blood. And I can't even begin to imagine what that does to your heart, soul, and brain. And then like so many others, when he finally came home 5 years later he was an alcoholic. Clearly, it was too much for him to handle.

people do what they can to cope. And sometimes it turns out that they can cope in good and healthy ways, and sometimes they can't. We don't have a choice but to "handle" something. It doesn't make us strong, it doesn't make us brave, there was no choice given. It just is. And these events change us. And sometimes it's hard change and it's for the better. And sometimes it's hard change and it's for the worse. If people were never given more than they could handle there would be no suicide, no alcoholism, fewer cases of true depression, fewer heart aches. Less crying and more joy.

I have had a few things in my life, 3 events actually, that have honestly been too much for me to handle. One event led to me never speaking to my brother again. The last time I spoke to him was 10 years ago, and I will never speak to him again. At least not until my parents die and then he's my "responsibility" But even then I will try to talk to the workers involved and not him. That event, or rather culmination of events, was far more than I could handle. And it changed me. It made me bitter, it made me me cynical. I changed from the happy-go-lucky sweet, laughs easily, innocent girl that I was. And I miss that person.
Another event just changed me. Not in any way that I can articulate, but it changed me.Although since then I am far more careful. With people and with things, with words and with wielding my emotions. And Thomas changed me. Both for the good and for the less-good. I am more empathetic. I am more caring. And I am far more sad. I appreciate life more, but I am overly cautious. I no longer jump into life with both feet.

I don't even know what this post is really about. I am strong. And I know I will survive whatever things life throws my way, even really awful things, because I have no choice. And most people are the same way.

I guess I just miss being a kid, miss life before my heart was so broken I could hardly see through tears to put it back together. And it breaks my heart to know that other people have pain and grief and are trying to put their souls, hearts, brains, and lives back together through a wall of tears. And though I have had grief, I know that it has never touched the level of grief that others have. And that makes me even sadder.

wah wah.......(you know the sound effect, right?)