Motherhood. I'm not convinced its all it's cracked up to be. Or maybe the way "perfect mothers" are portrayed to not-yet mothers is really damaging. I'm not sure I knew what I was getting myself into. I pictured the hugs, the bike rides, the soothing sad souls when they skin their knees or hurt their feelings. I pictured making sweet treats for smiling faces. Tucking wee ones into their beds and watching them sleep. I even imagined colic. And somehow romanticized it. How I would be so tired but would hold my sweet baby and sleep leaning against a running dishwasher if I needed to. I pictured weathering temper tantrums, sibling rivalry, picky eating habits, messy houses.
what I didn't realize is that it's hard. And exhausting. And all-encompassing.
Constant bickering, food battles, 6 years of sleep deprivation, temper tantrums that require restraining your child, mess on top of mess on top of mess, constant un ending worry for the safety of small people, bad manners, bad attitudes, sometimes it's hard to want to continue for even one more minute.
Ok. So here goes. Here's my truth. And I'm not proud of it. But I can't be the only one. Please, tell me I'm not the only one.
Sometimes the snuggles and kisses and love doesn't make up for all the other stuff. Sometimes the scale tips so far to the side of exhaustion and fighting and the desire to have just a moments peace that I wish I could re-wind the clock, go back to December 2006, and tell myself that I'm not actually cut out for mothering and should really not have babies. It's not every day I think this. Some days though I do. Matt's sister and her husband are childless by choice. And sometime I'm thinking they got it right. They can go where they want when they want. They have more disposable income. They get to keep themselves and each other as their top priorities. And some days they sound like the smart ones.
Most days I am grateful for my crazy life and my crazy kids and I wouldn't trade it.
But some days.......
So there it is.
Please tell me other people feel this way.
Thursday, 1 November 2012
Thursday, 6 September 2012
acceptance and love
The last two months have been rough. And I finally feel like we're coming out of a deep and heavy fog.
I was having a really hard time with the fourth baby. I loved Delta and wanted her, but I really didn't want the fourth baby. I didn't want the stress, the cost, the responsibility, the worry, all of the "extra" that each baby brings, I didn't want that. I simply did not want the fourth child. And I was having a very hard time reconciling that with wanting and loving Delta. And the guilt that came along with that was enormous.
I felt like I was losing my grip on reality. Like I was spiralling into a dark hole. I was not a happy person and was not pleasant to be around. Getting one kid breakfast was some days more than I could handle. Thank goodness that Matthew is a teacher as was off for the summer and could shoulder a lot of the responsibility.
Then came Thomas day. And I'm not sure what changed that day.
After we let the duckies go down the river and the kids had their rest times we went to my parents for dinner. My mom was shockingly well-behaved. She was calm and good with the kids and good with me. So much so that I even shared that it was Thomas day. This is not normally and are of my life I let her in. She was wonderful with it and didn't make it about her and her losses. The kids ate supper and were really well-behaved throughout dinner. They gave me huge hugs when we left them there for an overnight and nobody cried.
Then Matt and I went to a neighbourhood block party and just visited with people and it was nice. It got us out of our heads and was a lot of fun. We came home, put Lucy to bed, and then just chilled for a while before going to bed.
I felt.... un-phase-able. Like the world was calm and peaceful and OK.
And as Delta drifted off to sleep in my arms I looked at her and something in me broke. My fear, my pain, my misgivings, my panic, my guilt, all of it. And I looked at her and I knew she was a huge blessing. And I am blessed to be a mom to 4 beautiful perfect children on earth. And you know what? I WANT four kids. I WANT the love and the joy and everything else that comes along with that fourth child, even the tough parts.
Since that day the fog lifted.
Thomas continues to change me. I though I was changed by him as much as I could be, but he continues to surprise me. And on our second Thomas Day I became a real mom to Delta.
I was having a really hard time with the fourth baby. I loved Delta and wanted her, but I really didn't want the fourth baby. I didn't want the stress, the cost, the responsibility, the worry, all of the "extra" that each baby brings, I didn't want that. I simply did not want the fourth child. And I was having a very hard time reconciling that with wanting and loving Delta. And the guilt that came along with that was enormous.
I felt like I was losing my grip on reality. Like I was spiralling into a dark hole. I was not a happy person and was not pleasant to be around. Getting one kid breakfast was some days more than I could handle. Thank goodness that Matthew is a teacher as was off for the summer and could shoulder a lot of the responsibility.
Then came Thomas day. And I'm not sure what changed that day.
After we let the duckies go down the river and the kids had their rest times we went to my parents for dinner. My mom was shockingly well-behaved. She was calm and good with the kids and good with me. So much so that I even shared that it was Thomas day. This is not normally and are of my life I let her in. She was wonderful with it and didn't make it about her and her losses. The kids ate supper and were really well-behaved throughout dinner. They gave me huge hugs when we left them there for an overnight and nobody cried.
Then Matt and I went to a neighbourhood block party and just visited with people and it was nice. It got us out of our heads and was a lot of fun. We came home, put Lucy to bed, and then just chilled for a while before going to bed.
I felt.... un-phase-able. Like the world was calm and peaceful and OK.
And as Delta drifted off to sleep in my arms I looked at her and something in me broke. My fear, my pain, my misgivings, my panic, my guilt, all of it. And I looked at her and I knew she was a huge blessing. And I am blessed to be a mom to 4 beautiful perfect children on earth. And you know what? I WANT four kids. I WANT the love and the joy and everything else that comes along with that fourth child, even the tough parts.
Since that day the fog lifted.
Thomas continues to change me. I though I was changed by him as much as I could be, but he continues to surprise me. And on our second Thomas Day I became a real mom to Delta.
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