It's that time again....

(no, not time to change your underwear. Thank you, Animaniacs)

It's allergy testing season. Last year it was in November. This year I didn't really want to make the appointment so it's a few months later. And you know why I didn't want to make the appointment? Because then I get the results. And then I feel defeated by allergies. Again. How many times can I feel defeated by them? How many times can I plead with them to just go away?

I'm having a little bit if a meltdown this very second. I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm feeling sorry for Bravo. I'm angry that we have this fear and these limitations in my life. You know what I want to do? Tell my 3 year old that we've had a crapy go of things and then take him out for ice cream. But that would kill him. Or maybe we could eat at the food court. Nope. Death. Alpha gets to go on play dates without me. His friends grandma took him and his friend to McDonalds. Bravo will never get to do that. Will not get to go to a friends house for lunch. Will not get to do a lot of things. Because his body hates him.

I play this game a lot. The "if I got to pick 5 allergies to keep what would they be?" they would be: peanuts, tree nuts, shell fish, alfalfa, and clover. And really that's far more than 5 because there's lots of kinds of nuts and lots of different shell fish. But that list is only half (well, less than half) of what we have to avoid.
It's a pointless game. But I play it anyways. If I got to pick just one to outgrow hands down it would be milk. That's a whole food group! But I'm pretty sure that milk will be a life long allergy.

We were given the option of challenging soy this year. But I don't have it in me to put him or us through that. Nothing else has improved. So I'm thinking this years challenge if we were to go through with it would end like last year's challenge did. Badly.

I try to console myself sometimes with "it could be worse". But that doesn't actually help. Then I try to just suck it up and say "it is what it is". But that's obvious. And doesn't help.

So I keep riding this emotional roller coaster 'cause I have no choice.

I'm now trying to figure out how to navigate bravo through this. He's getting.... I don't know. Angry I guess. Angry about his allergies. He states that they're not fair. He makes up songs about forbidden foods. He tells me that he will just pretend that he's not allergic. He straight up told me that he wasn't going to have allergies anymore and then touched alpha's hand (which had milk on it). I don't know how to parent him through this. I need a guide book. Or maybe I'll just blindly grope my way through this and then write my own guide book.

Ugh. It's midnight and I need to sleep. But on these nights sleep is hard to come by. And this is why I didn't want to do his stupid annual test. Because even though I KNEW that nothing would be outgrown it turns out I had buried hope. That has now been smacked into my face like a pie.