Chrissy sucks at blogging

Yup. It's true.
But I have excuses!!!! Mostly that I have no brain. That's valid, right??

I have very little to say right now, but if I don't do this now it will be another 6 weeks before I get around to it. And at that point I will be even more sleep deprived and my post is likely to make no sense what-so-ever.

I have officially entered the last stage of my last pregnancy. This is the stage of pregnancy referred to in our house as the "chocolate pudding stage". Meaning I eat chocolate pudding. A lot of it. Often. It has happened with each child. I don't intend for it to happen, it just does. Right around now. And it's sooooooo goooooood. I think it's highly related to the "heartburn can kill and it's going to be the death of me" stage of pregnancy. Because while that smooth cold milky chocolaty goodness is sliding down my throat it fights back the heartburn for a solid 3.5 seconds.

The end of this pregnancy is very different than the others. With the first three by this point I wanted the baby OUT. I was done, thank you very much, and the baby needed to just be born. This time, not so much. As much as I am excited to never ever be pregnant again ever, I am loving the kicks and the wiggles and the knowing that there is a little person in there. I am relishing each last little jab and rib shattering kick. And if it's inside I can't forget it at the park. Nor can it yell.

Charlie is now 16.5 months old. And today he walked 10 feet!! He took his first steps about 2 weeks ago. He operates on his own time table. I'm hoping that he's walking reliably before this one makes its grand entrance.

Alpha and Bravo are so pumped to met this baby. Bravo has decided that the baby shall be a boy named Luke (which would be a possibility if Matthew wasn't crazy and didn't hate every good name left) but he can't say Ls very well, so it comes out Wook. Which was quickly changed to Wooky. Which is the cutest darn thing I have ever heard and was almost enough to get Matt to change his mind. Almost. Alpha has decided the boy shall be named Dino. After some large construction vehicle in mighty machines demolition site. Of course. They haven't really talked about girls names lately. Go figure.

Thomas has been on my mind again lately. But it's mostly a good kind of on my mind. Some days it still really stings, most days I am just so glad that I carried him and that he is a part of our family even if he's not here. I had a good cry because he went to a birthday party last week. And it made me sad that he was there and it made me sad that she had her first birthday in heaven. I also met a Dad at a soccer game who was one of 4 boys and he was the youngest and the last 2 were twins and his name was Charlie. And I was just shaken because it was like I was looking at who Charlie should be in the future. But instead Thomas will be missing from his story forever. I would not change Thomas though. If I could change anything he would be here. But since that's just not possible I would never wish him away. He has made me a better person. More compassionate, more careful with my words and questions, more empathetic, more caring. We are rapidly approaching the 2 year mark. It's crazy. If somebody had told me 2 years ago what this journey would be... I don't know. I don't know what I would have thought. I still have yet to see his face in a dream. And I still look forward to that. One day I will. One day I will hold him. And until then I hold Charlie and know he is there, too.

This post has no direction. I suppose that's because I haven't written in 37 years.

If I try really really hard I will post again this week. Hopefully with awesome results and pictures of some sort of chocolate chip cookie cake creation for Matt's 33rd birthday. No, 34th. Wait. How old is he?? 34.