Twins.

I want them. I don't get them. I struggle with this daily. Some reminder or another pops up daily and every day I try to not care. Try to ignore it. Try to be brave. To be strong. To love what I have. To be happy with my four (almost) perfect children. 

But it's not enough. It can never be enough. Because out floating in the heavens far beyond reach I have 2 twins. 

Charlie's twin and Delta's twin. 

I so deeply want them. Perhaps more than any mom with living twins has ever wanted twins. I ache for them. Every second of every day. But I pretend I don't. Because nobody gets it. No oft knows the loss and pain I feel. Nobody knows the secret lies I tell total strangers when they see the double stroller and ask if I have twins. Nobody knows that longing in my heart. That 3 years later I would trade every single living person in my life except for my husband and four living children for one of my lost twins. 

And I will forever live like this. Missing what should have been. What could have been. What almost was. Twice. 

Anytime life can start being fair. 

If I had a time machine and could talk to 20 yr old me

My last baby is on the verge of not being a baby. Sure, she still LOOKS like a baby with her adorable bald head. And she snuggles almost like a baby. And she almost crawls like a baby. But by definition she will be a toddler in 3 days.
My mat leave pay ended last week. And I didn't return to work. And I am spiraling into a bit of a panic. Her party is in 2 days and I CAN'T STOP MAKING TISSUE PAPER FLOWERS. And her cake has taken me hours to make (see previous post and the next 2 posts that don't exist yet). I am obsessing about her party like I have never obsessed before. It is for me. My baby girl is not a baby. My child bearing days are done. My nursing days are likely numbered. No more pregnancy, no more labour, no more births, no more sweet tiny baby heads to smell.

And I am a disaster. Now what?? I wish I could go back in time and tell myself what I should have studied so I could have a plan now. And then I think of all the things I wish I could tell myself. If only I had my time machine.

1. Those perky 20 yr old fantastic boobs that you're self conscious about? Flaunt 'em!!! Enjoy them! In 14 years you will miss them. Stop wearing 2 sports bras to try to squish them away. They are FANTASTIC.

2. While you're at it, wear a bikini. You are NOT fat. You are beautiful. You glow. Your tummy is just fine.

3. Be confident. Fake it. Stomp on all that enormous self doubt. Don't listen to that voice in your head telling you you're not good enough. And don't listen to the people that agree with that voice. You will learn this lesson eventually. Better to learn it early.

4. Your heart is about to be more broken than you can imagine. Do not let that broken heart dictate the decisions you make about dating and boys for the next 5 years. You ARE love-able. You WILL find somebody that you love that also loves you back. You will be cherished by somebody that you also cherish. And it will be wonderful. You will spare yourself and a lot of other people a lot of pain if you learn that lesson.

5. Stop wasting your time in school learning Chinese in the off chance it will make that boy love you. It won't. He doesn't and nothing will change that. Ever. Go learn something useful. And since you have NO idea what you are passionate about (and no, that boy doesn't count. You won't marry him. And you will eventually be happy about that) go take occupational therapy specializing in sensory processing. Or midwifery. Either way you will love it.

6. When you see moms bottle feeding, just can it. That silent judgment of yours? Knock it off. Karma, dear Chrissy, Karma. Also, cut your mom some slack. Still move across the country to run away from her, that's a good idea. But she tried. She really did. And one day when you are up to your ears in little kids and all their stuff you will understand. You will have these "aha!" Moments that make her human. That shed light on her terrible coping skills. She certainly wasn't perfect. And you aren't, either. You will stumble constantly as a parent. And you will wish you tried to understand her a bit more.

7. Eat. Eat whatever delicious things you want. I won't tell you why, because nothing can prepare you for your second child, but enjoy food.

8. You WILL survive your first birth. You won't feel like you will, but you will. It will be easier if you learn to stand up for yourself now and find your voice now. Practice now and it will go better. And if it doesn't, please please please reach out for help.

9. You will also survive your second child god knows how, but you will. And he will bring you so much joy and so much heart ache and he will be worth it. You find the depths of your heart and humanity with that one. You face hurdle after hurdle, and again you find your voice.

10. Your fourth child? Run with it. Stop crying about the pregnancy when it happens. Because she's a fantastic little girl.

11. Your third one will also bring you to your knees many times over. But he will have these eyes that you will fall into and never escape.

12. Everything will be ok, 20 yr old me. You will fall on your face, you will hurt a lot if people, you will be hurt. You will be ok.

Now if only 50 yr old me could come talk to 34 yr old me I'd be golden.